Being the Parent of a Bully
It’s every parent’s nightmare to hear a teacher say, “Your child has been bullying others.” The words sting. At first, there’s disbelief. “Not my child. He’s so well-behaved at home.” Then comes embarrassment—what will people say? And finally, guilt: “Have I failed as a parent?”
Take a breath. You are not alone. Many parents face this moment, and it does not mean your child is “bad” or doomed to grow into a cruel adult. Bullying is behavior, not identity. It is something a child is doing, not who they are. The way you handle it now matters far more than the mistake itself.
“Bullying is not a permanent label. It is a behavior asking to be corrected, not a character to be condemned.”
Why do children bully? Often it is a way to feel powerful when they are feeling insecure. Sometimes it’s to impress peers and fit in. At times, it’s imitation—they copy what they see in movies, older kids, or even in the way adults treat one another. And sometimes, it’s stress or frustration being released in the wrong way.
Your first step as a parent is to resist denial. Too often, parents brush off reports from school with “kids fight all the time.” Fighting and bullying are not the same. Bullying is repeated, targeted, and meant to cause harm. Acknowledging the difference is essential.
The second step is to talk to your child—not in anger, but in curiosity. Ask them calmly, “Tell me what happened.” If you react with rage, they will hide the truth. If you react with calm firmness, they may open up. Try to uncover the need behind the behavior. Were they trying to look strong? Were they pressured by friends? Were they acting out of jealousy or frustration? Understanding the “why” helps you address it.
The third step is accountability. A child must know that hurting others is unacceptable. But accountability doesn’t mean humiliation. Instead of name-calling—“You’re a bully”—help them make amends. Encourage them to apologize, return what they took, or show kindness to the person they hurt. Repairing the damage is often the most powerful lesson.
One mother I know shared a powerful story. Her daughter teased a classmate about her stammer. Instead of punishing her harshly, she asked, “How would you feel if someone mocked you for wearing glasses?” The girl went quiet, and then later apologized on her own. That moment of empathy-building taught her more than any punishment could.
“The goal is not to raise a child who never makes mistakes, but a child who learns how to repair them.”
It is also important to involve the school as a partner. Don’t get defensive with teachers. They are not attacking your child; they are asking for your help. Work with them to create consistent boundaries both at home and in school. Consistency is what helps children learn.
And finally, look inward. Children absorb what they see. If they watch adults at home mocking neighbors, yelling at staff, or speaking harshly to others, they internalize that disrespect is normal. A culture of respect must begin in the home if we want our children to practice it outside.
The truth is, being the parent of a bully is not about shame—it’s about responsibility. You have been given a chance to teach your child empathy, respect, and self-control at a crucial stage. Most bullying behaviors, when addressed early with firmness and compassion, fade away. Left ignored, they harden into habits.
So if you hear the words, “Your child is bullying others,” don’t collapse under guilt. Stand up and say, “Yes, my child has made a mistake. And with my support, they will learn better.” That courage is what makes the difference between a phase and a pattern.